Madeleine, you’re looking fine, oh how I wish that you were mine And other such pathetic lines created by my lovesick mind She doesn’t love you back you chiromaniac, so do the right thing Jack and give it up Oh Christopher I’m missing ya, oh how I wish that I was yours Why can’t you see a girl like me is better than those other whores He says he thinks you’re fake, a spiteful little snake So please for Heaven’s sake find somebody new I love her even so / I love him even so I’ll never let her go / I’ll never let him go Oh what’s a lovesick teenage boy to do / Oh what’s a lovesick teenage girl to do Well it happens every day, boy and girl, young and old alike Some succeed while others lose I think that love songs are twee, I’d rather sing the blues The world can see your misery So dry your eyes now darling, you have my deepest sympathy It’s true what others say though it may not feel that way But I can guarantee that there will always be plenty more fish in the sea He’s stringing me along I see, oh how I’d like to string him up I swear she can’t be good for me, so why don’t I just give her up? I don’t mean to complain (So you’re not gonna thank her?) But I’m sick of all the pain (Well noone cares you wanker) There’s nothing left to gain but more of the same We’re going nowhere fast, this isn’t going to last, I simply can’t be arsed It happens every day anyway no matter what you’re like / Some succeed, others lose Some succeed, others lose / I don’t care I think that love songs are twee / This won’t go I’d rather be with you / Anywhere

She walks in beauty, tender as the night of cloudless starry skies And all the aspects best of dark and bright are met inside her eyes And therefore mellowed to that tender light which Heav’n to day denies And though she’s dressed in black and mourns a loved one gone Her beauty’s still a sight to see, her presence fills the room with ethereal song She’s hypnotising me One shade the more, or yet one ray the less had half inspired the grace Which waves in every gentle raven tress or softly lights her face Where purest thoughts senerely sweet express how dear their resting place And though her heart is wrenched with devastating pain She smiles with quiet dignity, and though my conscious sense I struggle to retain She’s mesmerising me And on that flawless cheek and o’er that brow so calm, yet eloquent The poignant smiles that win the tints that glow but tell of good times spent A mind and heart at peace with all below whose love is innocent And though I try to clear my mind, try as I might this girl in black is all I see And I accept that I shall not forget this night, this wondrous night in which she This magical night in which she, she walks in beauty

While I was penning melodies my good friend Tim came up to me “Stop writing all these songs for girls,” he said “Your lovesick whining’s getting tiring, please write something more inspiring And sing a song of fantasy instead!” “But the only themes that interest me are love and girls unfortunately So I don’t think I have the drive to write a different song for you...” He said “I’ll wager you a fiver,” I said “Tim, well snakes alive, A fiver could revive that drive – now what is it you’d have me do?” We shook on it, he beamed as he recounted some strange tale to me I couldn’t make it stranger if I tried About some legendary treasure trail in which the hunters did prevail By following an eagle as their guide It didn’t make much sense to me but we had made a bet you see So what is coming up will have to do I want to win that fiver so I hope that Tim, it’s good enough for you The British they rode south then north 370 in all, y’know Where in 18 and two sixes they did see that ol’ black eagle float Ignited, heard its metal ascend its nest and then soar omniescent O’er where bridge and valley met, and onto where the stone did rest And onto where the stone did rest, Clara Dally’s treasure chest, But darling you bring out the best in me So give me a reason and I will stay strong, go where life takes you and I’ll tag along Together forever that’s where we belong – Oh crap I’ve just realised I’m singing a love song again Well Tim it seems that you were right, I evidently cannot write A song without a girl in it for you But damn your eagles, keep your treasure, writing love songs is my pleasure And maybe this time I’ll get lucky too

Your mummy mollycoddles you, she spoils you something rotten That’s ‘cause you were an accident, you wretched misbegotten little child You’re a bastard but you’re clearly in denial You’ve never worked for anything, you take it all for granted Small wonder that the rest of us are feeling disenchanted, oh it’s true Not that many people care that much for you Seventeen, you think that you’re the shit – remove the article that’s definite The rest of us aren’t perfect but we all acknowledge that So maybe you should too you little brat Your parents spend 12 grand a year to fund your education You waste their cash on cigarettes then tell them that you hate them, that’s a fact Superficial supercilious little prat You bullied your poor girlfriend into sex without protection You said it makes you horny but you couldn’t get a damn erection, what a shame And you’ve only really got yourself to blame Pretentious preening egomaniac, there’s one thing you deserve, it’s called a smack I hope you realise what a brat you are some day And I don’t have a thing nice left to say

I said I was leaving once I’d finished my round But next thing I knew we were out on the town And now it’s the morning and my stomach is sick I’ve spent all my money and I feel like a prick I went on a bender and now Jesus I’m feeling unwell My stomach churns like a blender and my head is going through hell I know it’s unlike me so I’ll forgive you if you smile when I say, “I’m going teetotal for a while” It seemed like a bad idea but now I’ve had several beers So let’s play this slighty risqué drinking game I don’t mean to be explicit, but her mouth – well I really didn’t miss it Making out with your friends while drunk is really lame There’s fun and there’s foolish and I think last night was the latter Don’t tell me I’m prudish and don’t tell me that it doesn’t matter ‘Cause if I’d been sober, well I would have run a mile So that’s why I’m going teetotal for a while If you can’t drink responsibly it’s fair to say you probably Shouldn’t really drink at all, and some of you dicks should take the hint from me I wish that our society would favour more sobriety but that’s not the case at all So I’ll sit here at the bar with my orange juice alone It’s gonna be tricky, but at least God knows that I’m trying But I could kill for a cocktail, a cold lager or a glass of rosé wine Southern Comfort, Tia Maria, and every type of Belgian beer Are normally more my style, and that’s exactly why I’m going teetotal So goodbye, I’m going teetotal for a while

My dear you see it’s clear to me that love is really blind You live your life so unaware, I follow kissing your behind Your back is turned, you’ll never learn the things I cannot say I tried my best to spit them out but couldn’t find a way ‘cause I tried to write you love songs but I didn’t get that far ‘cause I’m pretty crap at singing and not much better at guitar So I wrote this little number in the only way I know By ripping off Bruce Springsteen songs (The River, Thunder Road) And now it’s fair that I should let you know That I love you and I care for you, you barely know my name But I feel a strong connection girl, I hope you feel the same I thought that love would never touch me, now you’ve left me feeling small This Gatsby’s not so great after all My dear I see unfortunately you didn’t like my news The green light is receding now and all you’ve left’s me with the blues But nobody can understand just what it is I see They think that you’re a spiteful bitch for pinning stuff on me Stuff like fucking up a friendship that you claimed was never there Well I hate to contradict you but that really isn’t fair ‘cause I did my best to please you girl, yeah heaven knows I tried But was your kindness all pretence to keep me occupied Yeah when you smiled were you stone cold inside? Well I love you, I still care for you but frankly I’m confused ‘cause you’ve been treating me like worse than dirt, I’m feeling quite bemused But I’ll come back if you want me to just don’t ask me to crawl This Gatsby’s not so great after all I fell to the bottom you kicked me while I was down But I hear from all the others you’re the kind of girl that gets around There’s the impression your list of indiscretions goes on and on and on Your general behaviour it makes me feel sick Like when you cheated on your best friend by sucking on her boyfriend’s lips As you kissed you didn’t give a shit, it goes on and on and on and on and on and on... Well I loved you and I cared for you but now I see the truth You’re a spoilt adolescent girl who’s burning up her youth Well I think that you’re pathetic, yeah I hope that you regret it But wait I’m not finished yet Because my dear you see this land is free for me to bitch and moan And tell the world in no uncertain terms I hope you die alone You’re too proud to be my pride and joy, well please enjoy the fall This Gatsby’s filled with hate and now it’s far too late Well maybe you’re not so great after all

The leaves fall in Autumn, but there’s blossom come Spring I’m stating the obvious but oh my, how time changes every little thing We’re not getting younger and maybe this life is all that we get We’re searching for Heaven but none of us have found it yet But I’ve always been a believer in making the most of what’s here So when you’re tossed on life’s seas by tempestuous breezes You cling to the things you hold dear We all need companionship, we all need a friend We all want much more than that but most of us fall short in the end So will you come gambling with me, well I know we’ll be taking a risk But sometimes you’ve got to face danger just to know you exist If we don’t seize these opportunities then I know I’ll never forget it ‘cause I don’t wanna pass by, I don’t wanna ask why And dear God I don’t wanna regret it ‘cause I know, I know I’m handful, yeah, I when I sing it’s not quite in key And I know that when you picture perfection, well I guess it looks nothing like me But take a chance, what’s the worst that could happen Well at worst you’ll have made a mistake But mistakes, they’re what we all learn from And that’s a chance that I’m willing to take So I’ll state with ironic conviction yeah, that I believe I’ve got the whole world to give If we’re all that we’ve got why not give it a shot Because the most important thing to do is live To do is live To do is live To do is live To do is...

My songs are laced with irony They make me sound more serious than I really mean to be And though it’s good to let your feelings out If truth be told I haven’t got much to complain about The finest friends that I could wish for They’ve taught me how to live my life And now I’ll share a little something in return So friends please follow my advice You gotta live laugh love and be happy, live laugh love and be happy I know it sounds simplistic and I know it sounds twee But if you’re optimistic then I’m sure you’ll agree That if you live laugh love and be happy, live laugh love and be happy If we live for each other, if we live for our friends Then everything will work out in the end Another day has come and gone So let’s all drink too much and then we’ll have a singalong There’s no place I’d rather be And there’s no way that I can say how much y’all mean to me It’s all about forgotten evenings, the ones that pass without a care It’s all about the little moments that we spend and when they blend Into memories we share then I’ll be proud to say that “I was there” ‘cause if you love laugh love and be happy, live laugh love and be happy I know it sounds simplistic and I know it sounds twee But if you’re optimistic then I’m sure you’ll agree That if you live laugh love and be happy, live laugh love and be happy If we live for each other if we live for for our friends Then everything will work out In the end the good time’s got to end, the best things never last But when your days are dismal then remember good times past The times we danced, the times we laughed the times that went too fast (We taught the instruments to sing) And when I start to sing my song I want the whole damn room to sing along And not because they know me and they feel it is polite But ‘cause the lyrics mean so much to them they need to get them right ‘cause everybody shares one base connection We’re all heading in one ultimate direction That inevitable darkness which we never shall escape So sing with me before it’s too late That’s whay you gotta live laugh love and be happy, live laugh love and be happy And I know it sounds simplistic and I know it sounds twee But if you’re optimistic then I’m sure you’ll agree That if you live laugh love and be happy, live laugh love and be happy If we live for each other, if we live for our friends then everything will work out Well I know I’m no New Jersey boy, but boy I’m having fun Pretending I’m Bruce Springsteen or Frank Turner’s bastard son So if you’re still alive out there if I’m not the only one then sing (THEN SING!) Whoa-oh-oh (Whoa-oh-oh) x 3

I wrote you a tired old cliché and I scrawled it down just the other day But before the ink had even dried I saw my weary pen hang its nib in shame Well dear, my clever pen, it knew that tired old clichés just won’t do Not when the subject matter’s you – and that’s a cliché but true ‘cause you, you are the song in the beaks of the birds And you are the reason I struggle for words You gave me hope that I had never found before and you say “Hey – That’s what friends are for” Some guy writes a love song for his girl, he claims “I will love you forever” But six months later it’s over, he hates her, and I think to myself, “Well that wasn’t too clever to claim” ‘cause romance may change But through the fire and the rain, true friends may remain, you and I stay the same Y tú, cada hora que paso con tígo me parece menos de un segundo That’s a compliment if you’re not sure but you say “Hey – That’s what friends are for” Are you all I’ve got or all that I’m not, how can mere words express the truth Still there’s one thing left and that thing is you You are the Sun and you are the Light, and you are the pillow I cling to at night You gave me your word, how could I ever ask for more? And you say “Hey – That’s what friends are for” I wrote you a tired old cliché, that’s been said, I wrote ‘til my fateful pen was dead And now that I’ve cleared my head, well I guess we should call it a day my dear And when you hear this you might see how much you really mean to me And if you cry for me with tears I can’t ignore, then I’ll wipe them away And you know what I’ll say, with a smile I’ll say “Hey – That’s what true friends are for”